Thursday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. That is to say: it was better than going for a poo and having green Gatorade shoot out like I was a human Super-Soaker or something, which pretty-well sums up Wednesday afternoon and evening.

I turned up at the CMC with Geraldine (my mother-in-law) at 9am on Thursday and was told to go straight to the Gastro-intestinal Ward (I had given all my insurance details over the 'phone so there was no paperwork). The staff there were most helpful, telling me what the procedure would be. So I got undressed and put on a green observation smock (leaving on my watch, socks and a silver bracelet my dad gave me for my 21st birthday, as instructed). I had a saline IV put into my left hand and was then wheeled into the examination room.

The doctor explained the procedure again, I signed a waiver, and we were ready to roll. I was lying on my side, looking at my readouts (they had now hooked me up to an O₂ sensor for molecular oxygen, ECG stickies were placed on my arm and chest for my pulse, and a blood pressure strap periodically squeezed my right arm). A syringe full of relaxant was introduced into the IV and I was told that I would feel a little detatched and relaxed. I took another look at that readout. Blood pressure at 125/80 (nice), pulse around 62 (nice too), oxygen reading at the tip of my finger at 100% (perfect)...

...a-a-and then the relaxant hit my brain. I raised my head slightly and said "whoo, I feel a little woozy now"...

...then ninety minutes passed and I woke up in different surroundings. "A little detatched and relaxed" my foot!

The doorway I came through was replaced by a curtain. I could see other beds. OK, I was in a recovery ward. I broke wind... they use compressed air in a colonoscopy and I was told to expect this. That's when I looked at my watch. A nurse approached me and asked if I'd like anything so I asked for a cup of tea with milk and sugar. My first taste of sugar in two days. I felt fine so I was allowed to dress and Geraldine took me to Wendy's for my first food in nearly 48 hours. I was woozy for the rest of the day. That part was GREAT!

So now I'll tell you what the doctor discovered. I have an internal hemerrhoid. Nothing serious or life-threatening, thankfully, and now I have to take these little Hydrocortisone Acetate things. Prescription name: Anusol. They feel waxy when you unwrap them and they melt at just below body temperature. They're bullet-shaped and I have to put them where the sun don't shine, in case you hadn't figured that out yet. It's a ...novel experience, it has to be said, and one I thought would be much worse. But then again, I was never the sort of person that put anything up their bottom as a kid so I didn't know what to expect. Once one is placed far enough inside, my body's natural systems takes over and they are drawn straight in like a dust-bunny into a vacuum cleaner. It makes sense if you think about it: your insides maintain less of an outward push than outside air pressure, otherwise your insides would fall out every time you went to the toilet!

So there we are. One more of life's experiences over and done with. There's a moral to this story too. If you have blood on your crap or on your toilet paper, see a doctor. It may be nothing to worry about. Then again, it may save your life. If this rather embarrasing day's post saves just one person's life then it has done its job.

Listen: Jerry Was A Race Car Driver - Primus.