Well, it took long enough but now I'm finally a film star --

I'd better explain this one. I know a young filmmaker by the name of Nick. He edited a film called "Spades", shown at the Cultural Center last year, and he called me out of the blue the other day and said "would you like to be in a film I'm doing?"

Hardly the sparkle of Hollywood, but it'll do for little old me!

"OK, so what do you want me to do?"

What he wanted me to do was dress like a homeless bum, stand outside an old bingo hall and pretend that I was slightly unhinged as the main actor walked by, noticed that I was a little odd, and he walked off camera. And how does a man pretend to be unhinged? Well, he has to pretend to be the doorman of the bingo hall. So I was wearing another pair of trousers over my pair, the laces of my Reeboks were untied, and I was given a waistcoat that would have fitted me perfectly (when I was twelve) to wear over my white t-shirt.

Oh, and I had to recite the alphabet backwards. Over and over again. Really loudly. As if I were holding a conversation with nobody in particular. As people walked and drove by.

So there I am, with two people working the sound equipment holding a microphone just to the side of me. There's a film camera rolling across the street. And people driving by slow to a crawl because there's some loon reciting the alphabet backwards with an English accent and he looks like a freak.

I loved it! Good luck with the film, Nick.

Listen : Silver Screen (Shower Scene) - Felix Da Housecat ... End Of The Movie - Cake ... Film Me & Finish Me Off - Apollo 440.